Why Soccer Sucks

Once again, we are in the midst of the quadrennial snooze-fest that is known throughout the rest of the globe as the World Cup. Here in the USA, it is better known as that &#^!)* show that is pre-empting Judge Judy again.

Every four years, the rest of the world reminds us that “football”, as they call it (I personally think the NFL should copyright the word football so that it may be reserved for the noble game for which it rightfully belongs), is the most popular sport in the world. Of course it is. It is just about the only sport in which the rest of the world can beat the US, though every victory over the USA should come with an asterisk, as will be discussed shortly.

Actually, soccer is the quintessential European and South American game. You have a bunch of activity, aimless running about, and noise, but when the game is over, nothing much has taken place and everyone goes out to eat at McDonald’s and watch an American movie.

The World Cup also provides yet another excuse for the usual scolds to harangue the rest of us about what sport we should prefer. You know these people. They are usually the ones that wear shirts with little alligators or polo players on it, drink expensive wine with names like Chateau du toilette, and have bumper stickers on their Prius that say things like, “Wouldn’t it be great if schools had all the money they need and the Air Force had to have a bake sale to buy a bomber?” They inform us that Americans don’t have the sophistication or intelligence to appreciate the nuances of the game. This is a real laugh if you’ve seen European and South American soccer fans. Appreciation of nuance, for these fans, went out the window with their 4^th pre-match ale. Most of the effete Americans who describe the game thusly wouldn’t be caught dead sharing face paint with a European or South American fan.

By the way, any American that refers to soccer as “football” deserves, no, needs to be immediately pummeled for his own good.

This week, The Nation columnist, Dave Zirin, explains why the Right (i.e. – conservatives) doesn’t like soccer. The reason is . . . wait for it . . . if you think about it you’ll know . . . because of RACISM! Of course! We right-wing bigots don’t like to watch little brown men running around kicking a ball. That would also explain why Americans enjoy pro football (the REAL football), basketball, and baseball, because there are no minorities in those sports, right? Of course, every “failing” of conservatism can be explained by racism to these lefty nutcases.

No, the reason Americans don’t like soccer is that it is about as exciting as watching your toenails grow. Think about it. How many of these games end up in a 0-0 or 1-1 tie. (And while we’re at it, there is no such number as “nil”. C’mon people, it’s zero!) I mean, this is supposed to be the greatest sporting event in the world. How can you play 90 minutes and end up with the same score with which you started? What is the point? It is no wonder that there are so many riots by soccer fans. I can imagine someone saying, “I paid 800,000 lira for tickets and 14 beers and spent 2 hours of my afternoon to come to the game and nothing happened? Someone is going to get their head bashed for this!” If I wanted to watch TV to go to sleep, I’d watch Obama speeches.

In fact, soccer would be much more interesting if the camera would scan the crowd every once in a while which, of course, is the reason that they don’t. The crowds for the World Cup are a regular United Nations. On one side of the field, you might see tanked up Scots laying a beat-down on a group of Ecuadorians, while on the other, Brazilian fans might be flashing their ta-tas at the camera. Instead, the camera shows a bunch of guys in shorts kicking a ball, often backwards. If these fans had access to real sports, they would, no doubt, rather spend their time watching football or NASCAR.

The World Cup does, however, serve to demonstrate unequivocally that the United States has the best athletes in the world. Think about it. If you are the best athlete in Argentina or Great Britain, what sport do you play? Soccer, of course. Now, if you are an American, what sport do you play? Why, football, basketball, baseball, and maybe even hockey. I’ll be generous and say that maybe someone would choose soccer over hockey. That still means our soccer players are our fourth-class athletes. In fact, the Limeys should be hanging their heads in shame that their A-team was tied (of course) by our D-team. Imagine if Michael Jordan, Allen Iverson, LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, and Randy Moss played soccer. Think of Wilt Chamberlain in goal or Bob Cousy as team captain. Think of someone trying to head a ball kicked by former Oakland Raider punter, Ray Guy. It would be the last thing he would ever head, primarily because his head would no longer be attached to his neck. We would hand the rest of the world’s butts to them on a platter.

The best soccer player in Europe right now is supposedly a British chap named Wayne Rooney. Rooney actually is a “footballer” (a stupid term in itself. It is a football player or, in this case, soccer player) that Americans might like. He looks kind of like a scaled down version of the UFC’s Randy Couture, and has roughly the same temperament. Rooney is best known for getting a “red card” (Sigh! Really?) for stomping on a Portuguese player in the World Cup four years ago. In the true football, Rooney might be a safety.

The best South American player, and possibly the best player in the world, is an Argentinean named Lionel Messi. Messi is 1.69 meters, 5’7” tall! Are you kidding me? In the US, he would be a jockey. And don’t even get me started on using the metric system for vital statistics. If they want Americans to be interested in the game, they could at least use the measurement system that God intended.

Now, the argument I often hear is, “Soccer is really hard. You couldn’t do it.” This is true. Of course, I can’t play the piccolo or do gymnastics, either, but that doesn’t mean that either of them is exciting to watch. Think about what soccer players do – they run and they kick. They don’t jump. They don’t throw. They don’t catch. They don’t even use their hands, for crying out loud! I realize that they run for 45 minutes at a time, but so do marathon runners. That doesn’t make it a manly sport. In fact, to watch these guys, you’d think they are the biggest wussies in the world. If they so much as get brushed, they immediately collapse to the ground as if shot and roll around in agony for about half an hour. What would happen if they were to meet Ray Lewis on the line of scrimmage? They’d probably scream and run away.

The major story about this year’s World Cup isn’t about the games at all (NEWSFLASH – Sri Lanka ties Paraguay 0 – 0!) No, the major story is about the fans’ vuvuzelas. In spite of the vaguely obscene sounding name, the vuvuzela is a plastic horn that, for some reason, is very popular at soccer games in South Africa. The fans, once again, demonstrating their appreciation of nuance, blow these things incessantly throughout the game, no matter who has the ball. When watching on TV, the vuvuzelas make it sound as if your Sony big screen has been infested with a swarm of cicadas. This proves that American fans are definitely more sophisticated than European fans. In the US vuvuelas would only be used when the Raiders come to the line of scrimmage or when Kobe Bryant is at the free throw line.

My best advice is to just put up with soccer for the month, and then you won’t have to think about it again for another four years. Don’t panic about the commentators who claim that soccer will be the next big thing in America. It ain’t gonna happen. Unless, of course, Obama totally sells us down the European road, then who knows?

Disclaimer – The author doesn’t really think that soccer sucks and actually kind of enjoys watching the World Cup. I just enjoy tweaking soccer fans and liberals even more. -jc